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Post By
The Black Guardian

In Reply To
KD

Subj: Re: Issue with my Best friend and Roomate...
Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 at 12:55:55 am EST
Reply Subj: Re: Issue with my Best friend and Roomate...
Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 at 10:17:05 pm EST

Previous Post

> > So lemme get all of this straight: Gina broke up with Jeff before anything physical happened between Gina and Steve? You can't really blame Gina for her feelings changing or for becoming interested in someone else, nor do I think you can blame Steve for becoming interested in his friend's girlfriend - it's not like we can consciously decide to be attracted to someone or not, can we? So what is it that you're blaming her for? Because it seems to me that breaking up with Jeff - rather than lying and going behind his back - is actually the opposite of sleazy. She could have been more honest in her reasons for breaking up with him, maybe, but if that honesty would hurt Jeff then why do that?

Truth be told, I can give Gina more slack. Not to sound sexist, but women are....more likely to let emotions do the driving. The only thing that one can really be mad at Gina for is the lack of honesty AND for breaking with Jeff for, in my opinion, Jeff being comfortable in complacency (that's a whole 'nother conversation though).

Steve is who I'm really disappointed in. See the things is that there are unspoken "guy rules" that every guy should go by. One is that you never go after your friends girl even if their broken up. Two is that you never screw a friend over for a girl, which Steve did.

See the thing is, Steve and Gina weren't really that close up until three months ago when Steve's girl dumped him (for another guy no less). Steve became Jeff and Gina's third wheel and became close to Gina from there.

Now I don't know who threw the first signs of attraction, but nonetheless as A MAN and A FRIEND, Steve should have said, "Y'know what Gina? This is wrong. We both know we like each other and we know we're not becoming close friends on the pretense of just being friends. This is unfair to Jeff, this won't end well, and you and Jeff have some issues y'all should work out."

But that's not what's going on. In Steve's mind, he thinks he did nothing wrong since nothing physical happened between him and Gina What he fails to understand is that he's guilty because it was never innocent. They both became "close friends" because they were attracted to each other. He doesn't realize that Gina more than likely dumped Jeff for him as opposed to dumping him anyway (which she wasn't going to do but that's what she told Steve).



> I agree. Gina was with Jeff, and she wasn't happy. Rather than stay in an unhappy relationship she ended it and found someone else. So maybe she started realizing this attraction to Steve while she was still with Jeff. All the more reason to break it off with Jeff as quickly as possible. Staying with him when she knew it wouldn't work, going behind his back, leading him on, spending his money, etc. would have been the sleazy thing to do. Unless you're saying she did that for a long while before breaking it off.

Gina only told Jeff there were "issues" in their relationship three days before they broke up. She and Steve were having their "mental affair" for about three months. According to Jeff the only signs before her telling him was a lack of physical displays of affection (hugs and kisses) and some over friendliness with Steve.


> > > So lemme get all of this straight: Gina broke up with Jeff before
> > > anything physical happened between Gina and Steve? You can't
> > > really blame Gina for her feelings changing or for becoming
> > > interested in someone else, nor do I think you can blame Steve
> > > for becoming interested in his friend's girlfriend - it's not
> > > like we can consciously decide to be attracted to someone or not,
> > > can we? So what is it that you're blaming her for? Because it
> > > seems to me that breaking up with Jeff - rather than lying and
> > > going behind his back - is actually the opposite of sleazy. She
> > > could have been more honest in her reasons for breaking up with
> > > him, maybe, but if that honesty would hurt Jeff then why do that?
>
> Truth be told, I can give Gina more slack. Not to sound sexist, but
> women are....more likely to let emotions do the driving. The only
> thing that one can really be mad at Gina for is the lack of honesty
> AND for breaking with Jeff for, in my opinion, Jeff being comfortable
> in complacency (that's a whole 'nother conversation though).
>
> Steve is who I'm really disappointed in. See the things is that there
> are unspoken "guy rules" that every guy should go by. One is that you
> never go after your friends girl even if their broken up.

You and I aren't going to see eye-to-eye on this. My wife dated three of my best friends before we got together. I introduced her to two of them. I dated her best friend. That ex of mine is now dating one of my wife's exes.

Of our circle of friends, we're not alone in this. Names changed to protect the innocent: Adam used to be married to Alice. They divorced. Alice later dated Brian, and is now engaged to Charlie. Brian is now married to Becky. Guess what: Charlie and Becky used to date. Adam dates different women every 6-9 months, but those women tend to be outside of the circle of friends. Of that circle of friends, they've all been friends for years before (and after) they played "musical sig.others".

> Two is that you never screw a friend over for a girl, which Steve did.

This I agree with, but based on everything you've said, I don't necessarily think Steve did anything wrong.

> > I agree. Gina was with Jeff, and she wasn't happy. Rather than
> > stay in an unhappy relationship she ended it and found someone
> > else. So maybe she started realizing this attraction to Steve
> > while she was still with Jeff. All the more reason to break it off
> > with Jeff as quickly as possible. Staying with him when she knew
> > it wouldn't work, going behind his back, leading him on, spending
> > his money, etc. would have been the sleazy thing to do. Unless
> > you're saying she did that for a long while before breaking it off.
>
> Gina only told Jeff there were "issues" in their relationship three
> days before they broke up. She and Steve were having their "mental
> affair" for about three months. According to Jeff the only signs
> before her telling him was a lack of physical displays of affection
> (hugs and kisses) and some over friendliness with Steve.

I don't accept this "mental affair" thing. What you're calling a "mental affair" sounds more like they were just getting along with some attraction to each other. That's legal in my book. I'd be lying through my teeth if I said that there wasn't an attraction to my wife, even back when I was dating her best friend and I was introducing her to my friends.

Isn't there another one of those unspoken "guy rules" that says men can't be friends with women without some ulterior motive? ;\)
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